This text has been translated from Norwegian with the assistance of GPT UiO.
It can begin so innocently. An ex or a former colleague you once had good wibes with finds you on social media. You start messaging. You feel a little rush in your veins. At home, one day is just like the next, full of logistics and children. A little spice in everyday life can’t hurt, can it?
– If you get excited by this “spice” and invite more contact with the spice supplier, then the flavor experience becomes far too intense for your relationship, says Ole André Solbakken, professor at the Department of Psychology at the University of Oslo and a specialist in human emotions and relationships.
He does not doubt that the relationship you enter into when you establish contact with a new or old flame will threaten your actual partner.
The psychology professor’s clear advice is to refrain from investing in this new contact before it accelerates any further. Otherwise, you are playing a high stakes game with your steady partner.
If you become preinfatuated, run away
Sissel Gran is a psychologist, author and often referred to as Norway’s couple’s therapist. She emphasizes that close, intimate contact with someone who makes your heart race and is not your partner is playing with fire – especially if you are in a somewhat vulnerable state.
– If things in your committed relationship are a bit difficult and, on top of that, you feel low on vitality and longing to feel a bit more alive – then you are particularly exposed. If you start to feel a bit tender and pre infatuated, I usually give one piece of advice, and that is: ?Run away?, says Gran.
She stresses that the same level of risk is not present if you are generally happy with your life and your relationship. In that case, you might be able to allow yourself a bit of back and forth with an admirer and then park it in time, before it spirals out of control.
Ole André Solbakken agrees.
– When you suddenly become preoccupied with someone other than your steady partner, it all depends on what you do with that. A feeling is something that happens to us. We cannot choose or prevent our feelings. But we have a great deal of freedom when it comes to how we handle them, he emphasizes.
In this episode of Universitetspodden, the University of Oslo’s podcast, psychology professor Ole André Solbakken and psychologist, author and couple’s therapist Sissel Gran discuss emotional infidelity as well as physical infidelity. What triggers emotional infidelity, what does it give the individual, and how do you get out of it? They also talk about jealousy, and about how the digital world makes it much easier for potential old and new flames to get in touch.
Ole André Solbakken has a clear definition of what he means by the word “infidelity”:
– To violate your partner’s expectations of emotional, romantic or sexual exclusivity by doing with someone else what the two of you in the relationship have explicitly or implicitly agreed to do only with each other. You break what gives your partner the experience of being the one, special and unique person for you, and in that way, you threaten the very foundation of the relationship, he says.
It is about being replaced
When the psychology professor strips infidelity down to the bone, it is about the experience of being replaced.
– You are no longer the chosen one. Someone else is threatening to take your place – or is in the process of doing so. Then we are at the very heart of infidelity, says Solbakken.
Sissel Gran agrees.
– Infidelity – whether it is sexual, emotional or both – is one of the things most people in a relationship are most afraid of, she says, pointing out that Norwegian born therapist Esther Perel has called infidelity “the mother of all betrayals?. Those are powerful words.
The couple’s therapist finds it interesting that – even though infidelity is relatively common – it is still heavily taboo.
– When infidelity comes up with a couple who are in therapy with me, it’s judgement day in my office. It is so controversial and so painful. For some, especially those who are particularly vulnerable, infidelity – whether emotional or sexual – represents a breach of trust that cannot be repaired. Others, who feel more secure in the relationship, manage to work it through, set firm boundaries and move on, she explains.
Jealousy, betrayal and grief
Ole André Solbakken emphasizes that infidelity sets off what he calls ?a rush? of emotions when it is uncovered.
– Most people feel intense jealousy and rage at having been betrayed or deceived, and grief and despair that the person you love is capable of hurting you so deeply. It can be incredibly painful. On top of that comes the fear that everything might go completely wrong, he says.
Sissel Gran stresses that we as human beings are full of inner contradictions by nature.
– We have a strong basic need for attachment and closeness, which can collide with the fact that we are also driven by desire. Some are more desire driven than others and are drawn to what is exciting, what is thrilling, what may be both a bit forbidden and a bit foreign.
The couple’s therapist says that synchronizing these feelings can be difficult.
– It can be a challenging task to reconcile your need for security and attachment with the person you love with the more passionate undercurrent within you, which I like to call ?desire gone astray?, she says.
Most people are faithful
From the media, you can often get the impression that infidelity is extremely widespread, but Ole André Solbakken explains that the latest Sexual Habits Survey from the Department of Psychology at the University of Oslo shows that one in five women report having been unfaithful at some point in their lives to a committed partner, and that about one in four men report the same.
– What makes these figures so interesting for us is that the overwhelming majority of men and women in Norway say they have never been unfaithful. I think we talk as if infidelity is almost the norm rather than the exception, but the truth is the other way round, the psychology professor emphasizes.
He explains that there are no equivalent statistics for emotional infidelity, partly because it is harder to agree on a clear definition of what it is. But he assumes that emotional infidelity is at roughly the same level as sexual infidelity.
A demanding work of repair
– So what does it take to repair a relationship after emotional or physical infidelity?
– The person who has been unfaithful must truly mean it when they say they want to repair things and must show this clearly to their partner – not least by ending all contact with the person concerned, and preferably deleting them from all digital platforms, says Sissel Gran.
She stresses that it is just as important for the betrayed partner to accept these peace offerings.
– If you do not accept the other person’s genuine attempts to repair the relationship, then there is no chance, says the couple’s therapist.
Ole André Solbakken also emphasises that it takes demanding and thorough work to rebuild trust in a relationship after emotional or sexual infidelity:
– If the two of them manage to make each other unique for each other again, then the relationship can be saved.
If they never manage to restore that sense of being unique to one another, then it will not work, he concludes.
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